Downside of Marriage

That whole compromise thing, especially on major decisions, it’s not usually a problem for us, but it is a potential downside of marriage. The weird thing is, this major decision is such a remote possibility, there’s really no reason to argue about it. But yet argue we did.  It's like arguing about what you'd do if you won the lottery or something -- is there really any point in arguing until you've got at least 2 ticket numbers that match or something?  So pointless, but argh, we had the hypothetical argument. 
I don’t want to go into details. It’s definitely something I’d share if it happens, but it’s so speculative. Basically, we’ve kind of talked about it before once this summer. I told him what I was thinking but there was no real discussion.

This morning, I brought it up again – who knows why – to make sure we were on the same page. So, while being vague, here’s the debate:

If X happens (fairly unlikely, has nothing to do with us), and Y happens (somewhat unlikely, but possible, has to do with me), and I am asked to do Z, I would absolutely say yes.

But I recognize that doing Z is a big deal, and we’d have to be on the same page. Very big decision. Very unlikely I’ll have to make that big decision, given that X and Y would have to happen, but possible.

Hubby’s response was that I should absolutely say no. And the way he said it, he just wasn't open to discussion. I can see his logic – big decision, not fun, some risks. But he’s not seeing what I see at the end – something that would make someone else about whom I care a lot very, very happy. But I was really bothered by the fact that he wouldn’t even entertain a dialogue with me on this subject.

Setting aside the issue at hand, not being able to carry on a dialogue would definitely guarantee problems down the road. After basically pouting for a while (my version of this is going upstairs, kind of avoiding him, and being snippy when we did talk), I finally told him how upset I was about his reaction and told him I want to be able to talk about it. He said that’s fine but still indicated he doesn’t see himself changing his mind. But in my heart, I really need to feel like if X and Y happen, we will have to think, discuss, weigh, ponder, dare I say pray?, research, and decide together on whether I’ll do Z.

There’s no real reason for me to be upset about it – X and Y are unlikely. But I need to feel like Z will be something we can consider, and it won’t be an automatic no on his end. It very well could be that I’d agree the right answer would be no. But I’d like to know that if I really believe Y is better, that he’ll be open to considering it. Sigh. He’s generally quite open-minded and has a generally agreeable nature.

I need to decide if it’s something I should broach again while it’s on my mind, though X wouldn’t happen for at least a year I’d think, or if I should just put the topic to bed for now and reconsider if X happens. The latter is probably smarter. Why waste the effort of trying hard to convince him that Z might be okay if he really believes for now that it isn’t, and it in all likelihood won’t even matter what either of us think because X is so unlikely. I guess technically he agreed we could talk about it, so I might as well drop it for now. Probably for good, which is also fine with me. Like I said, X is totally out of our hands.

Oh well, just what’s on my mind right now. Sometimes it’s easier to make decisions for one. I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything, but it’s definitely not always easy.

Not the happiest thought as I'm packing up for my baby brother's wedding this weekend.  On the upside -- I know I'll drop this speculative argument soon, and shift the focus to nearly a week's vacation with hubby and sharing in my baby bro's joy as he and his fiancee take the plunge!