Bear in mind that I readily acknowledge I'm still insanely lucky. No significant health issues for me or anyone I love. Great husband who loves me. Interesting job that I enjoy and that compensates me well. Yada, yada, yada. It could be one million times worse. But at the same time, I hate when people delegitimize how they feel about things. If something upsets you, even something trivial, something that should be "hashtag firstworldproblems," it does, and you're entitled to own that feeling. Just because it could be worse doesn't mean it's not legitimate. I could go on and on about this and still not feel like I'm explaining myself well.
Regardless, in the context of my good and happy life, in the last month, it's felt like there has been more steaming piles of crap than in the last 5 years combined? Maybe I'm overstating it, but I've been down and feeling beaten down for several weeks now. And it seriously all started when we came home from San Francisco.
- I'm homesick. Not so much homesick, but family sick. I particularly miss my parents and some of my younger brothers and my nieces and nephews. My husband has said we can move anywhere I want in the world in 6-8 years, but he is not willing to move right now even if I got a job with a starting salary over $1,000,000 (I think I mentioned this, but he found out while we were in Nepal that he was changing jobs within his organization; he now loves what he does and feels he's making a major positive difference in the world and is not willing to walk away from it for a slew of reasons.).
- I'm feeling blah about Dallas. I was enamored with (of?) San Francisco. It's so geographically interesting with the bay and the mountains. It's got amazing running trails. It's got hills that I could learn to love. It's got tons of people out and about -- eating, doing things, being active, etc. It's got great weather. Again, my husband has said he's fine with moving there in 6-8 years, even if we live in a ghetto one-bedroom apartment, even if my brother and sister-in-law and nephew Willard have moved away, even if we have not a single relative anywhere in that time zone. Just as long as we wait 6-8 years.
- I'm reconsidering the decision I've been certain of for more than 20 years -- that I don't want kids. I think spending so many days with my baby nephew gave me pause. (I think I mentioned this, but my husband has one grown son from his first marriage, and expressly told me within the first month we were dating, almost exactly a decade ago that he ABSOLUTELY DID NOT want to have children and if I wanted that, we should end things then because he was positive. So where does this leave us if I have actually changed my mind? I should mention, however, that I am far from certain I have changed my mind, it's more just something I've been thinking about. But I'm almost afraid to really consider it because if I concluded that I really did want that, I don't know how we could bridge that divide.)
- Someone at work who started after me in a different division got promoted above me to a spot in that division (no such opening in my division, absolutely irrelevant to me, says nothing about my performance, just a matter of job openings, but still hurts. And hurts a lot actually.)
- I've been overwhelmed with work. The furthest behind I've been in ages. Approximately 6 reports I need to write, 4 of which were due in late April, each of which will take at least 4 days, and likely a full week to research and write. Reports are one of the most important things I do, and I've never had more than 2 that were past-due, and I usually work hard to do them all on time. And aside from reports, on all my other 170 cases, tons of other matters that need to be addressed. Inbox overwhelming. I feel like if the reports were magically written overnight tonight, I could still work for about a month straight with nothing new coming in before I got caught up. And it's never nothing new coming in. 2 of the reports I need to write just hit my desk this week (so they're not due for a few weeks, but I really should be starting them now, instead of working on the 4 that were due in the last 2 months, but of course I need to get the oldest ones done first.) It's like the mail -- the flow of litigation seems to never stop.
- As I mentioned, I scratched my eye again last week Sunday. It's all healed up now, but it was causing a lot of pain and logistical headaches (running with glasses, repeated trips to the eye doctor, etc.).
- My father-in-law was moved into a nursing home. This was not unexpected, but still a lot of turmoil and adjustment. My in-laws moved into one of those "here til you die" places a few years ago. It has the 3 stages -- independent apartments, nursing homes, and hospital-level care, all on site. They've been in an apartment but he's been falling a lot so they had to wait for someone in the nursing home to die, and that happened a few days ago, so now my father-in-law has moved into that person's spot. Ironically, his new roommate is someone he went to high school with. And in many ways, this is better -- he and my mother-in-law have been married for over 50 years, but they seem to fight all the time in the last 8 or so years. Some separation and space might help them to be less agitated with each other. Regardless, it's very clear now that my father-in-law's health is fading. My in-laws' situation is one of the main reasons we bought trip insurance for our fall vacation. My husband lives the furthest from his parents but calls pretty much daily and is very close to them.
- My husband had a car accident last week -- got rear-ended on his way to work. Fortunately it was by one of the approximately 50% of Dallas motorists WITH insurance, and the guy was totally honest with his insurer about it (admitted he looked away from the road, etc.). (I assume it goes without saying (since it otherwise would have topped the list of steaming piles of $hit), but my husband was physically fine, a little sore, but the guy who hit him gave him some ibuprofen and my husband took a lot more ibuprofen in the following few days and now seems to be totally back to normal.)
- And for good measure, let's throw in general dissatisfaction with the state of my body and fitness. Wanting to lose weight (but not wanting it enough to DO something about it), running slower than I'd like (but injury free), feeling flabby and old in general.
- Found out last night that my husband's car is actually totaled. It didn't look too bad from the photos I saw, but it wouldn't restart at the scene. It was towed to an auto shop by our house, and we understood from a friend that sometimes cars need to be reset by a mechanic if they are hit hard enough, some kind of fire precaution or something. So we thought, okay, they reset that, do some bumper repairs, should be good as new within a week or whatever. Well, no, it's actually totally done. The other guy apparently went under my husband somehow (I still don't really get that, since my husband has an Audi A4, so it's not exactly a high riding vehicle, and the guy who hit him was driving an Infinity or something like it). And of course this happens not too long after my husband had finally paid off his car.
New car for him? Fiat? Something else? Used car for him?
When exactly are we supposed to figure all this out and deal with the colossal headache that is sure to be car shopping? We don't want a new car! We don't want a car payment! We want a time machine to go back and make this guy keep his eyes on the road! We want a paid off, well-maintained, owned by us from birth, Audi! Wah, wah, wah.
I recognize that I'm putting a whole lot out here in this post. Any words of wisdom (or even just good thoughts (save your prayers for real issues, which I fully recognize these are not, except maybe a few prayers for my father-in-law)) on any of the above-mentioned piles of $hit would be appreciated, but what to do regarding the "totaled" car is the most urgent pile of $hit and is particularly in need of advice/words of wisdom.