Pressure is ON. Racing tomorrow.

Oh my, nerves are kicking in.  Big time.  Saturday I am doing a 10k race.  Tomorrow.  It will be my first real race attempt since the Half in early November.  Yikes.  I've run races since then (including a marathon), but those have just been for fun.  This is a real race for me.  Lots of pressure, both external and internal.  And lots of reasons why I'm more nervous. 

External pressure:  Hubby.  He is going to be working on Saturday, but is planning to come to the race to cheer.  I know he wants me to kill it.  He is always so excited and proud of me when I get a PR.  My favorite story (which I've shared before) is of how much he bragged about my marathon to one of his coworkers.  He runs too but we don't run together very often.  He's faster than I am at short distances, but I win at long distances.  I'd love to someday be able to do a series of track races to determine at exactly what distance I can first beat him.  But I love it how excited he gets when he thinks I have a smoking fast time.  I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes and his smile.  And I can feel it in his hugs.  He is definitely my biggest supporter and I want to post a finish time that will make him extra proud of me. 

External pressure:  Hubby's Coworkers.  If you saw that link in the last paragraph, you'll know that my hubby also tends to share my race results with his coworkers (which must be so fun for them, haha!).  Actually, a lot of the guys he works with run (or used to run) or are otherwise into fitness.  So they generally understand exactly what the difference is between running a mile in 7 minutes or a mile in 9 minutes or a mile in 13 minutes, whereas that small distinction doesn't mean much to the vast majority of people.  His coworkers usually hear about the results of all my good races (I don't think he tells them when I crash and burn).  But since my hubby is going to be working on race day and is still planning to watch, I have a feeling that a whole bunch of his coworkers are going to be watching as well.  This race is really right there for them, and because the race sold out, it's fairly large, so I'm guessing almost all of his coworkers who are also working on Saturday will see the race.  Whether they recognize me is another question since I know I look different when I'm running hard (one time hubby didn't even recognize me in a 5k race!).  But I'll see them and wave, and I want them to be impressed with how hard I'm running, or where I am in the field. 

External pressure:  Adam.  I don't even think he knows I'm making another run at his title (and I'm not planning to tell him, but I still count this as external pressure since I'll tell him after the fact, regardless of the race results).  My main running-related goal in 2011 is to beat him at the 5k, but a lot of what's behind that goal, which I've tried to explain, also applies to the 10k, but to a lesser extent because the 10k just isn't as cool as the 5k and because it's not exactly clear which of us holds our 10k title.  He has never actually raced a 10k so he is claiming that his (certified and chip-timed) 10k split from an Olympic tri in Chicago should count.  It's something he and I have argued about for approximately a year now.  During that year, I've tried to beat his time twice.  Right now, I'm about 15 seconds behind him.  If I can bust it out tomorrow, the controversy about whether a tri split counts as a running record will be moot.  I'd love it. 

External pressure:  Running Coach.  This race matters for my entire Boston training plan.  A lot.  In fact, it's definitive.  This is an excerpt from my coach's email to us:   "The results from Saturday will determine your Heart Rate Zones & pace for all runs during this program & whose group you will be running in."  He also mentioned that we need to be well-rested and ready to run, and that the weather was going to be good.  And just to remind us that this isn't going to be fun:  "The test is 30 minutes of extremely hard running. You have to commit yourself to 30 minutes of well paced effort. If you start too fast you won’t be getting accurate results."  Well, I have news for him, I'm not even close to doing a 10k in 30 minutes (but that's not really news to him, there's no way anyone who knows me would think I'm that fast).  But the point is, this race needs to be at a very, very high heart rate and truly represent my maximum effort.  And if my heart rate's low, that means I'm going to have to use an even lower heart rate for my training easy runs, which means slower pace, and my marathon PR dreams may fade away.  So I need to kill this, and I need my heart rate to show that I'm killing it. 

External pressure:  Running Group.  This wouldn't ordinarily be a big deal, but I recently learned that someone I run with thinks I'm training too fast for my own good.  This (inexperienced!) person has no comprehension of what my heart rate is, nor really what my goal was at MTCM.  Instead, this person is looking at my MTCM finish time and deciding what pace is appropriate for me.  This person does not seem to comprehend that actually, my goal at MTCM was not to run as fast as I possibly could, my goal was to qualify, ideally with a couple minutes of cushion, and to be able to get back to running right away.  When I ran MTCM at the beginning of October, I already knew I was planning to race hard at a half almost exactly one month later.  Going all out in a marathon isn't conducive to that.  Which I know.  I've run a bunch!  So instead I looked carefully at what I wanted to accomplish at the marathon -- to qualify.  And to me, that was like a pass-fail test, like the bar exam.  I don't think it's efficient or desirable to get 100% in that case, instead, I like to allocate my time to make sure I can securely accomplish my goal (passing), but there's no point in doing more.  Obviously this isn't true of all areas of life, but the bar, and my marathon goal at MTCM, are actually good examples.  If I'd gotten one of the top five scores in the state on the bar exam, my life would not be any different or better (I might not have had as much fun the summer I studied though).  If I'd run a 3:20 marathon at MTCM, my life would not be any different or better (I might not have had a life outside running, and I might not have gotten my half PR a few weeks later).  Sorry, I'm venturing off topic now and just venting.  It was very frustrating though for me to hear this person's comments about my running.  Anyway, I am running with people now who are all much stronger runners than I am, and I want to do as well as possible to impress them, silly as that sounds. 

Internal pressure:  needs no explanation.  I like getting PRs.  It somehow makes me feel validated in my choices.  Sometimes running can make other parts of my life suck.  I don't drink very often (though I love getting drunk).  I don't stay out late (though I love staying out late).  I get up early to train and to race (though I love sleeping in).  I cross-train (though I love sitting on the couch watching tv). 

The thing is, I don't think I'd really be happier if I drank and went out at night (that would actually be bad for my marriage probably since hubby goes to bed early as well and wouldn't be out with me!) and slept in in the morning and just relaxed.  But sometimes there would be some momentary satisfaction.

I'm happy with my choices, but like I said, when I have a solid race, I feel like I'm validating the choices I made to myself.  Having my pants fit also validates my choices.  It was a scary and uncomfortable couple weeks there at the end of the year.  I gained several pounds between White Rock and this week.  Fortunately the button indentations on my belly seem to be subsiding and I'm starting to feel a little more room to breathe. 

But the bottom-line is that I want to do well for my own reasons too.  I want to do my best.  I want to know I gave it my all and didn't give up early.  I want to run hard and as fast as my legs will take me. 

But for a multitude of reasons, I'm worried it won't be a good race.  Trying to follow the advice I'd give me if I read this blog, I should try to identify exactly what my fears are. 

Basis for Fear:  I haven't raced since early November.  I'm out of practice.  I like it when I'm in some kind of racing routine.  I get used to what it feels like to be uncomfortable and make myself keep pushing (though I'm not even close to mastering this skill).  For over two months now, if I've felt like I'm running too hard, I've just slowed down and haven't thought twice about it.  Now, I know if I were reading this, I'd say to myself that this means my legs are ready to race!  But that's not true because of my next fear: 

Basis for Fear:  I haven't done any speed work since Nov. 18.  Don't think I'm exaggerating.  I looked it up.  And that day I ran 4 mile repeats roughly at the pace I'd like for the entire 10k tomorrow.  But tomorrow there won't be any chance to catch my breath after each mile!  So while maybe I'd be able to overcome my fear about tomorrow based on the fact that I haven't raced lately, that fear only subsides if I've done the groundwork.  If I've been at the track running repeats, it's maybe good that I haven't raced in a while.  But I haven't been doing that.  Instead, I've been doing long (it's all relative, I know 9 isn't long in marathon training, but at this stage, it still counts) and easy paced runs.  That's not the recipe for a 10k PR.  Nor is it a recipe for 30 minutes at a very high heart rate and maximum effort.  Ugh.  I wish I'd done some track work in the last few weeks at least. 

Basis for Fear:  I'm still sick and don't really seem to be feeling much better, though the number of pills in my little steroid dose-pack is rapidly dwindling.  I felt pretty awful yesterday, but somewhat better today.  My primary symptom (aside from the gallons of fluid coming out of my nose) is that I feel like I can't breathe.  My lung capacity just feels low.  I'm coughing a lot and coughing up all kinds of nastiness.  But even when I'm not coughing, I feel like I can't really catch my breath, like I can't inhale deeply.  Again, not a recipe for 10k success. 

Basis for Fear:  I'm worried it's going to be too cold.  The cold weather sometimes really bothers my asthma.  I definitely prefer a cool race to a hot race, but this is going to be cold, cold, cold I think.  For me, the ideal start temp at a race of almost any distance is about 45.  The ideal finish temp is also 45, which doesn't work well for long races like a marathon!  In terms of attire, I'm not sure what I'm going to wear.  I think the race temp is going to be mid-30s.  That usually means I wear capri length pants, but wow, I hate racing in them.  As awful as I look in shorts, that seems to work a lot better for me when I'm trying to run hard.  I also usually race in my team jersey, which is sleeveless.  I could wear that tomorrow with arm sleeves, but I don't think it will be warm enough.  But then again, since I haven't raced in so long, maybe I'm forgetting how fast I heat up during a race.  In reality, capri pants, my sleeveless shirt, arm sleeves, and ear warmers (and gloves) might be the best choice.  I need to get that all set up tonight. 

Basis for Fear:  Bonking history.  When I first started running, it felt like I could go forever.  Almost every race was a PR.  But that only lasted for a few years.  I got into better shape and my times evened out.  Now at most races, it takes major effort for me to be even a minute or two faster than my current PR, and at some distances, like the 5k, I can't even conceive of improving by a full minute.  At the 5k, I'd be happy with 20 seconds, and I think that might even be asking a lot.  But in my quest for good races, there have been several times where I've gone out hard and then crashed and burned.  The worst was during an evening 5k a couple years ago -- it's a story I'm reluctant to share, so I am glossing over the details.  In short, I overheated just past mile 2, fell down, got up and ran a little more, then went down again (briefly unconscious), fortunately right in front of some police officers.  They picked me up and actually ended up detaining me until they realized the ambulance wasn't able to find us and I convinced them I was going to refuse treatment anyway.  My bestie had also been racing that day, and she was on the scene shortly after I'd gotten up, and she stayed with me.  We walked to the finish line together, and she even stayed with me during all the puking that happened on the way there and then a few times at the finish.  What a disaster.  And trust me, it's not my only major crash and burn.  Sometimes when I want a PR too much, I put too much pressure on myself and I bonk.  I don't know how to stop this, aside from saying no pressure, but if there's no pressure, then I don't PR.  There has to be a balance, and I'm still working on finding it.  But with every race where I know I want to push hard, in the back of my mind, I can always remember other times when I've pushed hard and it hasn't ended well.  Fortunately though I also have lots of races where I've pushed hard and succeeded!  I just need to think about those.  Since this race is running my 5k PR course twice, hopefully I'll be able to draw on the 5k success to keep my mindset postitive but my effort strong. 

Basis for Fear:  Sucky Course.  I wrote about this a couple days ago.  It's not a PR course (even though it is technically my 5k PR course (in my heart, I think I'd have been faster if I'd raced that day on a better course)).  A double out-and-back for the 10k.  A big (for Texas!) bridge that I will need to run up on four separate occasions (up on the way out, up on the way back, up on the way out on loop two, and then up on the way back on loop two).  I don't like this course.  I like running in the suburb where it's being held a lot.  Just hate that stinkin' bridge.  I guess the upside of this though is that I know the course pretty well.  I haven't run it more than a few times ever, but I drive it a lot when I'm near my husband's work and it's very familiar. 

Bottom line:  All this pressure and fear is weighing on me right now.  I can feel it in my stomach.  And it's all that's filling my head.  Good thing I think I've got a busy day at work, that might distract my mind a little.  I hope.  Well, I'll post soon and let you know if it was a bust or if I have a new 10k PR that's all I dream it will be...  Until then, deep breaths...