Friday, February 26, 2016


I'm still not used to this:

Sometimes, I feel like my age is so much older than I feel.  But other times, I feel like I'm ancient (particularly if my body is hurting, creaky or achy, but also in my heart sometimes). 

This week has been rough and I think my husband and I are both feeling "old." 

This week, we got one of the two "bad" phone calls regarding my father-in-law. 

This was the first call, to say he's probably only got a couple weeks left.  We've been talking a lot about what to do.  My husband is torn between wanting to go visit again (Pittsburgh) and spend an afternoon talking with him, or wanting to just remember the last time he saw him (in December).  My husband has always been in regular phone contact with his parents (he's infinitely better at this than I am), he talks to them both multiple times per week, but it was still a surprise to hear how quickly his father's physical decline is moving now. 

As such, this week has had lots of tossing and turning, very little sleep, and just in general, feeling old -- old enough to lose parents apparently.  Ugh. 

My heart hurts for my husband.  He's so close to his parents, even though he lives further away than all his brothers (all of whom are within a couple hours' drive).  I wish so much I could fix it -- not necessarily fix the hurt, but more fix my father-in-law.

We just watched the Bond movie last week.  I'm not giving away anything to say there's a scene with a syringe-type drill into his head -- kind of like something you'd see at a dentist's office, but barely large enough to draw blood.  But I wish I could just drill into my father-in-law's brain and tinker a bit with whatever is causing the organs to shut down and inject some stem cells or whatever and have him be back to new.  I feel so useless. 

I know it's the cycle of life and all, and he's over 80 and has had certainly a full life.  I'm glad I've known him for more than a decade.  But I wish this wasn't the cycle.  And I wish my husband wasn't hurting.  I wish I knew how best to help both of them. 


  1. Ugh - so sorry about your father and law and sorry for your husband.

    And what you say makes sense - on the one hand I feel younger than I have in 15 years, but on the other hand I AM my age ... and am reminded of this too often by old friends who are now dead, have had their lives altered by stroke or heart attack, or are battling cancer. What was very, very rare when I was 30 or 40 is now just a sad 'too young' as I approach 50.

    Ultimately all we can do is to maximize our 'cycle quality' - to feel more connected to those 10 years younger than 10 years older ...

  2. I'm so sorry. It's always so tough to go through these situations. My husband and I have only one surviving parent between us (my mom), and I'm just pretending she'll live forever.