Ethical Issue on a Gift

Direct plea to you for advice on the best way to make a request of someone giving me a gift.

I've mentioned that I love my new job. One of the cool things is that they have a quarterly birthday cake. I love cake. I showed up to my first one, and couldn't eat cake because the cake had nuts (and I have a nut allergy). The woman who ordered the cake said she'd get one with no nuts the next time.

I went to the second cake party this summer. Nuts again! She'd forgotten. Totally no big deal. I do not expect anyone to keep track of my allergies (or even my dietary preferences) except me, and to a lesser extent my husband, my brothers, my mother (actually, my parents in general, but especially my mom). And as my parents get older, even my mom could conceivably get a pass if she forgot now.

Really, my fatal allergy, my problem.

And yes, nuts induce a full-on anaphylactic reaction. First my breathing gets tough, then my tongue swells, and then, hopefully not until I'm already at the hospital, my throat usually swells shut. On one occasion, I wasn't at the hospital yet when my throat closed, though my last memory was hearing the sirens and thinking the ambulance would be there soon.

Well, one of my coworkers with whom I had an instant connection is this guy, let's call him Jim. He loves reading the same kind of books I do -- we had a huge discussion within a few days of meeting about economic policy when it somehow came out in conversation that I was reading Lords of Finance, which I actually I reviewed on this blog. He loves WWII, history, conspiracies, running, etc. Lots of the same things I do. Awesome and instant connection. Jim is my kind of guy.

Ntatually then, with his interest in running (he did several marathons when he was younger), when I decided it would be fun to get a company team together for the local marathon's relay that was held a few weeks ago, I knew I wanted him to be on the team.

Jim and I probably chat about once a week or so, sometimes long, rambling conversations. We don't actually work in the same area, so we have no need to talk, just a desire. He's so interesting and fun to talk to. He actually happened to meet my husband about a month ago when Jim stopped by my office late in the day one day to say hi and my husband was here hanging out after he'd finished work so we could head home together. Jim and my husband completely hit it off. My husband was actually kind of peeved when I pulled him out the door so we could go home because he was having so much fun talking to Jim.

I told Jim we'd have to double date sometime. After the marathon relay, I had my work running team (plus spouses, and a bunch of my running friends) over to my house for a post-race brunch. Oh yeah, still need to write that race report...

That brunch was the first time I met Jim's wife. She and I ended up sitting next to each other during brunch, andm no surprise here, she is probably equally awesome to him. A great couple. Hence the plan to double date. I love talking to both of them. Hubby loves talking to Jim (and hasn't met his wife but is sure to like her too).

Well, anyway, getting to the point, at the first cake party, Jim realized I wasn't partaking in the cake and asked why. I told him I had a nut allergy. I don't recall there being any further discussion with him on the subject. That was that. And that was that in about March 2011. And then in June 2011, but I don't remember if we even discussed it then (at the second party where I couldn't eat cake).

Oh, as an aside, at the third cake party, maybe in September, there was a nut-free cake that I enjoyed.

A couple months ago, Jim appeared in my office with a small cookie tin with my name on the lid. He said his wife had made carrot cake for the office (sitting in the break room), but it contained nuts, so she'd made a special nut-free one just for me.

WOW!

After he left my office, I waited as long as possible to eat it -- telling myself I just had to wait until noon, and then it would be okay. My mom never really let me eat dessert in the morning growing up, so I try to stick to that rule as much as possible now.

Finally, when I deemed it to be an acceptable hour, I opened the tin and there was a mini-bundt shaped carrot cake. Topped with cream cheese frosting. Possibly my favorite frosting of all time. Topped with coconut.

Uh-oh. I don't eat coconut. I'm not entirely sure whether I'm allergic to it or not, but I've never eaten it in my life and my reaction to nuts is sufficiently severe that it's not worth trying it. I've thought about going to an allergist to be tested specifically for coconut (I know I have an allergy to peanuts AND all nuts), but it's one of those "someday" things. I don't know if coconut is even a nut really, but since nuts aren't my only allergy, there's still at least some likelihood that I could be allergic to it (I actually have a bunch of allergies, but only a handful are still of the life-threatening variety, the others have diminished to intolerances as I've aged (some mild swelling of my tongue sometimes, but not enough to worry about it)).

Well, the day he brought me that cake, I picked off every morsel of coconut and scraped off the very top layer of frosting to be sure it was safe. And then I ate the entire mini cake. And it was, indeed, one of the best cakes I've eaten in my life. He mentioned that she grates tons of carrots, uses oil instead of butter maybe, some other secrets, whatever. It was divine. I thanked him profusely but I didn't mention the coconut. I actually considered going to HR to see if I could get Jim's home address so that I could send her a thank-you note (this was before I'd even met her).

Today he came to my office bearing another personal nut-free carrot cake. With coconut, again. I will again scrape and enjoy.

My question is, is there any tactful way to somehow indicate that any future carrot cakes (no expectation there will be any, just if there should be...) would be preferred coconut-free?

It's clear that it would be no harder for her to make it coconut-free than making me my own nut-free version. In fact, it would be even easier. All she does is sprinkle toasted coconut over the frosting, so it would actually save her a step.

I'm insanely grateful for the thought and time she takes to even make me a special one. And I'm insanely grateful for the delicious cake. And I of course would never expect that she would go to such lengths to be so nice as to make a special one just for me ever again. But if she does, is there any way to tastefully ask that it be without coconut?

Definitely don't want to offend her, to seem ingrateful, or to "look a gift horse in the mouth." So I'm really uncertain as to whether to say anything. And I'm also not sure if it's too late to say anything now that I've gotten TWO (so maybe it would have been okay after the first, but not now?). What do you think?

For your enjoyment, here is a photo of the one I got today, still with a lot of coconut on it. And here is a photo of my office trashcan showing how much I've already scraped off...

And edited to add a picture of the already-mostly-consumed-before-2:00 office cake she made.

And edited to add a pic post-coconut removal.

....